Silence for the Broken Hearted

I'm sorry for being gone so long. Things have been on a bit of a rollercoaster for the past few weeks. The whole moving thing has fallen through because I still haven't gotten a job call back and now I'm probably going to be staying in this oh-so-fun little town(Yay for sarcasm). I'm starting to think that I'll be taking some online Uni courses and hanging out here until I can move to Europe...big plans probably aren't the best...but oh well.

     
     Silence is so often what people desire to find, without realizing that silence is so often the cause of unbearable pain. The silence that feels the dark spaces in conversation is filled with thoughts of mailce and ill will. Broken hearts blossom in the empty spaces between words left unsaid, weighing down your shoulders and pushing out your knees. Silence will bring you to your knees, just as the absence of it will lift you up. 

Anchors Drop on New Land.

So just waiting to recieve some things, check out the potential apartment and if I like it I'll be putting the money down! I'm pretty excited to have a pool in the building that I can swim in when ever I'd like and a gym! Maybe this time around living away from Home won't be so bad, I'll finally be able to make it seem like my own home. I've decided on what I'd like to get as a tattoo for putting down my own roots, I'll potentially post a picture when I get it done.


Anchors drop
     to cold and salty water.
Weighing down,
    our heavy rusted hearts.
Crawling back,
    to dry and barren sands.
Finger grasping,
     broken bones on land.
Anchors drop,
     Holding down my heart.

Anticlimactic Anticipation of a New Life.

Exciting news!! I finally got a call back from the place I had really hoped to get an interview from and I'm going to view a different apartment which is lovely and huge and I could get a dog! I'm trying not to jinx it and just hoping that it will at least turn out to be half as good as I'd like it to be! I'm heading back next week for the interview and to hopefully see the place. Internet fingers crossed.


  

Anticlimactic anticipation

    of the sound of

broken bed springs.

   Coil

      release

  Coil

     release

Stop.

A Little Blood for all the Biters.

The amount of stressed I feel right now is ridiculous...I've applied at so many different places and still haven't heard anything back. I was suppose to be moving in November 1st and now I don't know how that's going to work seeing as October is already almost over. I'm holding out though and hopefully someone will call in the next two days!


  The winter wind whipped against my barely covered caves, freshly fallen snow crunching beneath my feet. I crossed my fingers inside my red coat pocket, tucked my black hair back and pushed the doors open. 'Helloooo' there was no response, not even the creak of excited feet running down the stairs. I hadn't seen my family in almost a year and it appeared that they had neglected to remember my day of arrival. It was 5am, October 31st, Hallowe'en or more commonly here, All Hallows Eve and yet my horror crazed family was silent on such an important day. I kicked my heavy boots against the wall and aimed my coat on to a hook. Walking quitely I made for the over sized staircase that interupted the grand entrance way, the marble was cold against my stocking clad feet and I took the steps two at a time. The moment my toes touched the carpet I knew something was wrong, it was almost as cold as the marble I had leapt off. My hand snaked towards the first door and I wrenched it open...silence. The wooden bed in the middle of the room was empty, slept in, but empty for hours. Each room was the same, blinds still drawn and beds left messy. Creeping back down stairs I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off in the house, and that I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. My eyes darted along the ceiling, seeing it instantly. A large black bat hung from one of the many thick wooden rafters, its small eyes glaring back into mine, with one fell swoop it launched in to the air. As I attempted to duck from the enivitable touch of its leathery wings, the brush of something much more sinister met the pale skin of my neck. 'August!' I cried as I turned to find my elder brother with his teeth nearly breaking through my skin. 'Katarina, you've really let your gaurd down this year.' A quick chuckle and he wrapped his long arm around me, 'Everyone's been hanging out since you've arrived.' He laughed at his own joke and gestured to the bats now quickly leaving the rafters and turning shape. In moments my entire family surrounded me, blending with the darkness that always surrounded us. 'To our seven hundred and eighteith All Hallows Eve!' I called, a cheer rising around me and echoing through out the house, 'And to many more!'

Perfection in Surrender.

Still waiting to hear back about a job, or any job. I'm getting a little stressed out but there isn't really anything I can do about it other than just wait. If I haven't heard back by next Wednesday I'll be heading back there and applying at grocery stores...at least then I'll have a job, though not one that I would like to have. Once I know about the job then I am going to ask at the apartment building wether or not I could get a one bedroom as opposed to the bachelor I am currently in for. The contract is at least a year of living there and I'd rather have a little extra space even if it does cost a bit more.


     It feels like a perfect night. The moonlight dancing trails of magic across our glistening skin, cascading with the droplets that fall from our foreheads. The excitment slowly drained from the moment, rolling away with the wind and the darkness. Your fingers lingered over my collar bone. Drawing them up and across my lips you sighed, barely louder than the ocean pulling at the sand dragging the world away from us. Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? We had laid together much like this, wrapped between long limbs whispering sweet nothings. You picked me up and swung me through the summer air, 'Forever and for always' you sang to me. You're singing it again now, though this time it's tear stained and broken. The sweat on my body is quickly turning to ice, clinging to my skin and leeching away the color. I can feel your arms wrapping around me, pulling me from the sand and towards the water. 'I love you.' The water wraps slippery blankets around me, dragging me out and under. 'Forever and for always.'

Our love is yellow, why not red?

Life is crazy as usual, things with the place I had planned to move to fell through so that tossed a wrench in the plans. I did manage to find an apartment though and I do love it! I spent a week in Kamloops handing out resumes and learning about the routes to various places, it turned out to be a lot more fun than I thought it would be and I can't wait to move there. I'm still waiting to hear back on any of the jobs, and as soon as I do then I can put it down on my tenancy application and move in!! Good luck internet high-fives are welcome!

  She sang about love being red, being forceful and imminent and passionate and overwhelming. Was our love ever like that? It seemed so much paler, lighter, dreamier, sad. It was sad. The moments that I hated you so completely, promising myself that I would never trust you again. Convincing my so fickle heart that I could handle being away from you. Have we finally come this? To the point where all I see when I look at you is distaste? A part of me hopes that things will change, that the silence will turn to laughter, the tears to smiles, the distance to warmth. Our love seems so yellow. Quitte and calm and reserved. I don't want yellow love, I want red. I wish you'd show me that I don't hate you, show me that I love you, that everything I think I know is wrong. That love should be red, brilliant, dangerous, treacherous, beautiful, amazing and always changing. Your love is yellow. My love is red. Always Red.

Tears, Fears, and Adulthood.

Everything is finally getting sorted out! I'm heading down to Kamloops this weekend to hand out some resumes and adventure around, I can't wait! I've also been looking into the O'pare program and I'm hoping that I can go to England for a few months some time next year...really hoping!! It's still a little alarming that I'm actually growing up and I'm going to have to be paying rent, though I must say it's also really exciting. I'm still trying to work out some kinks with getting back into writing more often and it is getting a little easier. I had just lost so much desire and passion for it that it was almost painful sometimes. Bear with me! Here's an expert from the short story I'm currently working on...

He was a recent convert, falling into the often confusing world of faith. I held nothing against him for it, though I was an atheist, the way he experienced life was always interesting. He was my little brother after all, the boy who had grown alongside me, who had often shouldered the blame that I could hide from. What I always thought was a normal sibling relationship seemed strange to others, the way we could so easily insult each other and have no conflict come of it. We did have our fights though, loud screaming matches that left me in tears far more often than they did him.