You make me better, boy.

Hey there...well life is a little confusing at the moment, to say the least anyways. I'm going to finish out the school year and then take a break for a while. Hopefully travel a little and move to the coast, at least there's barely any now there. I'm not a very big fan of snow, winter, or cold weather in general. My body temperature is rather low and it's nice to be somewhere that has actual sunlight and beaches. Now I just need to get the money together! I've been trying to write a little more, but all I've been doing is little snipits. Here's to writers block...

   It’s almost as if he’d told me this a thousand times before. Told me that I’m not ready, that I’m not prepared for what they’ll have to say. And I tried so hard to prove him wrong. To be ready when the onslaught of questions started, to be prepared for the bullets for remarks that would sure mark my skin. I was ready, prepared; no longer afraid…at least I thought I was. Thought that I could make it through the questions, the faces, the cruel and cold gestures. However; it seems that I was sorely mistaken, I had been just as naïve as he said I would be. I had expected the looks, the calculating eyes, the harsh language that rolled off their tongues. I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready for any of it, not the way that they spoke, not the way that they held their breath while I talked. I just wasn’t ready for it.

Pulling and Pushing to Tear Us Apart.

Alright, so I've had quite the lengthy discussion with my mother and with an academic advisor and I am going to finish out the school year. However; I will not be returning the following year to study, I will hopefully be living on the coast. I think I need to take a break from school for a while, and just enjoy life. I want to still have at least a little bit of fun before I really have to start working. Hopefully some time on the Island and work will help me to settle down and actually live. One thing that has really been pulling at me...please send emails, I would really like a way to improve the blog and to write more focused! It'd be greatly appreciated :) Well here's a little writing to get you thinking...

     That look crossed his face again. Staining what I had become so accustomed to, and no matter how hard I pushed the lines wouldn’t leave his face. My fingers tugged and pulled, stretching at the skin with no avail. The lines remained, marring a perfect image. Perhaps it wasn’t his fault though; I was the reason for these lines of deep seated concern. I was the reason he barely slept, I was the reason he stopped eating. I was the reason he forgot who he was. It is okay now, though. I’m gone, I won’t ever be there to bother him again, I won’t ever be there to stumble and fall. He won’t have to see what hurt him so much. I’ve withered and passed. Perhaps it’s for the better. Perhaps.

When we were young, life wasn't so scary.

Well life has taken a rather unexpected turn. I don't think it's for the worse though, I'm hoping it's for the better. School has become way to much to handle at this point in my life, I'm barely attending one of my classes and only really enjoy one of them. I just don't think it's healthy to be going through school always upset and missing home. It just can't be good for my mental state. I've already had countless break downs and my anxiety attacks have reached a new level of frightening and painful. All in all I'm dropping school for a while. I know that I will go back within the next few years, but right now I want to do other things. I'm just not ready to be a student again and being somewhere that I don't like. I want to be on the island, enjoying the barely-there winter and the constant smell of sea water. However I probably shouldn't rant so much about this, so here's a little writing :)

    We were young,
Not quite so
              Lost yet.
   We knew all the words
to the song's
      our parents never heard.
  We were young,
Careless and undamaged.
             Now we sit,
        Broken and lost.
Questions circle around
   our bent
                   heads.
We Were Young.

Here, there and every which where.

Well I gave up on school for the week and came home early. Probably not the best idea for my academic standing, but I really needed to get out of there. Home has been good, I've been alot calmer and the continues panic attacks have become less frequent. The weather has been awful, it's snowed and then rained and then froze...which means terribly icy roads and very slow driving. The trip home that should have taken me only two hours ended up taking me almost four. I guess I should add a little writing into here...

    I can hear, I know that you are here. I heard them when they whispered it around town, you were here, back from over there. They couldn't stop talking about you, their lips quivering and jumping to form the words. I told them that you wouldn't like that, that you would cover your ears and sing so you couldn't hear, you were here, you were there, you're home. I wish you would stay home, so that I wouldn't feel so alone, maybe I could tuck a homing device under the collar of your uniform. The uniform you wear so handsomely. Do they tell you how handsome you look over there? Do they compliment your dimples and your whispy hair. I love your whispy hair, so unlike a hare's course fur. I wouldn't run my finger through that, but I would pull them through your whispy hair and kiss your here-for-now lips. When you go back there, I'll be here. Listening to their whispers, watching as they're changing, waiting for word from you all the way from over there. As long as I'm here, and you're there, our heart will remain somewhere in the middle.

Infliction or Inflection

Hey all :) Well I met an awesome guy a few day ago and he's from Nigeria, which is awesome! School has been going better, I'm actually getting up on time and going to my classes. Thank goodness! There's not much going on in my life right now, but I think it will be picking up soon and getting more interesting. At least I hope it will...now I have something new for you. I hope you enjoi it...


           It lies not within your heart, but rather the heart of others. It is not to be found in an artichoke heart, or an animal heart. It is neither the heart of the matter nor of the meaning. It's is not an organ, nor is it the central focus of a conversational topic. It does not beat a thin heart beat, it does not stutter and fail. It's your language, as you stutter and stumble and jumble the words. As other's try to understand, as you pour your heart out to them. With your tongue hanging lose and bleeding, no longer the heart of your speech. It is the universal organ, the language, the feeling, the meaning. It is the hope, the heart, the hug, the hatred. It is what no one knows and what everyone sees, what they touch and taste and smell and sound. And even at the heart of language, it has no name. 

Disinterest in You

Hey all, so my tattoo is looking awesome and healing nicely. I am already planning the next two that I would like to get in the next while. I'm pretty excited :) If anyone who continuely reads this blog, or is even just stopping by I'd be happy to hear about any tattoo's you have or would like to get. Personally I think the most interesting part of tattoos is often the story behind them. My emails are on the page next to the blogs. I guess that I should include a little something in this blog, I need to get back on track with writing. I've been struggling with my classes and with keeping interest in English.

       

And as the stars fill the night and the beauty of such a place surrounds us. There is nothing to do, but this. Wrapped in each other’s arms, the cold barrel of a gun pressed to our lips. The only question being, who is braver? Who can pull the trigger? And as the moon rises high, a sigh, and a shot. Bang.